The Pathological Liar

I’m a pathological liar, but you’ll never know. People say they’ve figured me out, but I already knew that, because I’m psychic. Then I use my supernatural powers to make them forget, and they don’t bother me anymore. I like to sculpt large safari animals out of marshmallows in my neighbor’s yard.

I’m the son of Charlemagne. Beethoven was my great-aunt, which caused a lot of confusion for historians. My brother is Peter Jackson and my sister is Hermione Granger. I organized the Spanish Armada alphabetically by ship name. It took me seven minutes. I did better the first time.

You think you’ve got me figured out? Well, how could you not believe that I memorized all the books in the New York Public Library, and then created a Private Library in a room I found behind a bookshelf? What about my ability to fly? Boy, are my legs tired. What, you don’t fly with your legs?

I am the oldest human being in the world, but show my age very well. I use the patented Fountain of Youth Fondue Machine I invented in 1843. Friends used to call me Ponce de Leon, but that was back when I discovered Florida. I translated the Rosetta Stone before I found it eleven years later.

I invented the Internet. When humans came to America, I met them at the gates. The pyramids were my idea, along with the aliens I teleported to Earth. Stonehenge was my third-grade science project. I led the prehistoric civilization that murdered the dinosaurs in their sleep.

I could go on, but you already know I’m telling the truth. I know you do. I’m omniscient. One could say all these accomplishments are remarkable for any human. But that’s just silly. I’m half elf.

Until next time, this is Xavier Yes. Stay classical.